The Frenchman and the Eyeball
by HolyDorksBatman
Summary: When the Spy stumbles upon a slightly battered (but still talkative) Wheatley on the outskirts of the Dustbowl, he decides to bring him back to base for Engineer to examine, while still trying to do his job along the way. Insanity ensues and things don't go so smoothly for Spy. Oneshot.


**AN: This fic was based off an art piece by 1212m on tumblr. Their art is wonderful, and I'd highly recommend you check it out!  
**

**Also, I apologize in advance for any mistakes, this was written late at night and I was dying to complete it.**

"So, ah, where are we going exactly? I hear a lot of gunfire. Like a _lot _of gunfire. Why are we heading _towards_ the gunfire?" asked a Southwest British accent.

"I am taking you to our Engineer. 'Opefully 'e will know what to do with you. Ze man knows lots about robots like yourself." replied the tall, masked man to the large, robotic eye in his hands.

"Hey, I've got a name you know, Mr. Frenchy! I told you it earlier. But do you remember? Of course not, of course not. Y'know, if we're gonna be walking and talking to each other, we should at least know each others' names."

The Frenchman hoisted the circular automaton up to the front of his face. "Alright zhen, what _is_ your name then, you upgraded eyeball?"

"Wheatley. And I am _not_ an eyeball, thank you very much. I'm a _personality core_, it's a much fancier term. Y'know, from Aperture Science Laboratories. Heard of it? Crazy place, let me tell you. There was this _huge_ incident that happened a while back, which was _totally_ not my fault in any way mind you, and there was this whole thing with taking over the facility and the moon and an Animal King-"

"Zhat's a fascinating story Mr. Wheatley, it is a shame that I couldn't care less. Now if you could please shut up."

"So," Wheatley began again, disregarding the masked man's pervious sentence, "what's your name then? What do you _do_? And why _is_ there all this gunfire? I mean, really. We're out in the desert!"

The man sighed. "My name is Spy. I am a Spy. I kill people for both my team's benefit and for my paycheck. Zere is gunfire because zere is a battle. Zis is ze Dustbowl. Now will you please _shut up_."

"B-battle? Whoa whoa whoa there, mate. Don't you think you're gonna want to change out of that suit and tie getup before going into a _battle_? I mean, that's a _nice suit_. You don't want it ruined, do ya?"

"I am a Spy, not a soldier. My combat methods are not so barbaric." Spy cooly replied.

"Ah, I see!" Wheatley exclaimed, his eye widening in realization, "You're all like James Bond, all sneaky and secretive an' that. That's nice, that is. Always loved James Bond."

"Why did I think it was a good idea to take you with me?" Spy muttered.

**…..**

The next few hours were some of the worst in Spy's career. Wheatley's constant chatter was making getting kills and sapping sentries more than a challenge; it was more of a _living nightmare_.

"Say, Spy! How'd we just turn invisible like that?"

"Keep your voice down, will you?"

"Who's that guy in the hard hat?"

"_You'll get us killed_!"

"Oh!"Wheatley whispered. Loudly. "Are we sneaking? Doing Spy business? Amazing, innit? Us creeping around, unnoticed. We could do whatever we wanted right now, and _no one_ would be able to see it. Because we're invisible. Man alive, this is the most fun I've had in ages."

With that, the enemy Engineer that Spy was _hoping_ to sneak up on raised his head, diverting his attention from the sentry he was building. There was a split pause, and with a quick swoop, the Engineer whipped a shotgun from his tool belt and shot blindly at the empty space. With a bark of surprise, Spy de-cloaked and gripped his wounded leg, the other hand holding tight to one of Wheatley's handles.

"Spy!" The Texan shouted, aiming for another shot. Before he could pull the trigger, the Frenchman pulled his pistol from his pocket and shot between his enemy's eyes. The body unceremoniously fell to the floor with a thud.

"Oh my god. Oh. My. God. That was amazing. I thought we were gonna die there, I really did."

Spy glared at Wheatley, too exasperated and pained to make any sort of retort.

**…..**

"You know, smoking's a bad habit, that. You smoke a lot, don't you? I can smell it on you, in fact you _reek_ of it, so don't even try to deny it."

The Spy had pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and was having a smoke as both he and Wheatley watched the sun set over the Dustbowl. The battle had ended, and both teams were enjoying their downtime in their separate bases.

"I appreciate ze concern, but I won't be stopping anytime soon." Spy replied as smoke protruded from his mouth, waving around his head and dissipating into the air.

"So, this Engineer guy that you mentioned earlier, what's he like? Is he nice? Is he an _actual_ engineer? Jus' figure I should ask, y'know, since you'll be handin' me over to 'im to fix me."

"'E'll probably just take you apart piece by piece and examine you, and zen use you for scrap metal."

"W-what?" Wheatley stammered, his pupil dilated in worry, "Y-you can't be serious!"

Spy smirked, staring off into the horizon.

"You're messin' with me, aren't you? You are!"

Spy chuckled, still not saying a word.

"Aren't you?"

**AN: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews and comments are appreciated. (also, don't worry, Spy was just messing with Wheaters. He ought to be fine with Engie. ^v^)**


End file.
